The Day After Today

Hi, everyone.

Just wanted to remind you of a few things about tomorrow's exam:

1. It takes place in the Phys. Ed. gymnasium at 9 a.m.

2. It's a two and a half hour exam. (Divide your time as evenly as possible. Writing a strong essay in Part A will not really compensate for writing only a couple of vague paragraphs in Part B.)

3. You're expected to write two essays in total, one on short stories and one on poetry.

4. You don't HAVE to double space your essays.

5. You can write in pen or pencil. Crayon usually doesn't work so well and Magic Markers are tough to make loops with.

6. It's okay to end a sentence with a preposition (see #5)--no matter what anyone tells you. It's like falling in love with Taylor Swift: you should try to avoid it, but it's okay if you do.

7. Don't bring coffee into the exam room. Spillage could occur and if it does, I will deny even knowing you.

8. Bathroom breaks: See the last sentence in #6.

9. Try to relax. Breathe deep. Go to your happy place (as long as your happy place is within a fifteen foot radius of the centre of the gymnaisum).

10. BE THERE ON TIME! (Again, a wizard arrives just when he means to, so if you see yourself as a bit of a wizard, I hope you mean to be there at a few minutes before 9 a.m.)

11. BRING YOUR STUDENT I.D. CARD! (Especially useful if you bring coffee and I deny knowing you.)

12. They won't let you leave the exam room between 11:15 a.m. and 11:30 a.m. Even if you're hungry, thirsty or need to pee. Resistance is futile. The only thing that might work is if you're part of a very stealthy flash mob that feigns bathroom break, but morphs instantly into a Jingle Bell Rock group dance. And, remember, if it isn't on YouTube within an hour, it didn't happen.

13. Don't write in sentence fragments. There is a sentence fragment in #12. See if you can find it. Maybe not. (There it is again.)

14. Don't write in comma splices, this is a comma splice.

15. Don't write plot summary. This isn't a "How I Met Your Mother" voice-over. Don't tell me what happens; tell me why I need to know what happens.

16. Have fun. Seriously. After tomorrow, you won't have to write any more English essays... until next semester.

Also, have a fantastic Christmas and/or break from studying. It has been an honour being your teacher.

All the best,
Gerard